Welcome to the crazy, welcome to the whirlwind, welcome to the mind of a very undiagnosed potential ADHD 40 something year old trying to navigate life in the mediocre lane. Who ever knew parenting was a young woman’s game, no one told me! Who ever knew learning that ADHD would take over your life in your 40’s when you would have all the symptoms there are to have to endure a pretty horrific journey in to “old womanhood.” Who knew……
All i want to do is do things well. Apparently this is harder than i thought. Infact, it’s pretty much impossible. Why is it so many people especially social media -ites….. seem to do everything so well and i am just failing. Walking in treacle on a daily basis. And hey guess what…. everyone seems to be noticing. To the point where i am now falling out with people on a daily basis. I think this week i have fallen out with at least 2 – 3 people so far, one being my mother! My own mother! Basically about how i am not existing to other peoples expectations.
You know what you need…. you need to just be organised. (NO SHIT SHERLOCK)
I don’t know how you live like this…… (well i didn’t actually ask your opinion)
I’ve done what i can to help you…… (but….. but what… i am beyond help?)
just some of the comments i have had from “the onlookers”
Now contrary to all the picture perfect instagrams and talented tik tok bullshitters, i feel that something real needs to be fed to the world. Before 85% of people end up in some form of nut house asylum trying to get to grips with the fact that life as we know it, IS NOT PICTURE PERFECT. Infact life is a pretty crazy ride and guess what, theres no £200.00 for passing go!
Now as much as i am struggling with every day life. One husband one child two dogs one cat two horses and one business. I just keep swimming eh! I mean what else can you do apart from show up. Overwhelment is something that peaked recently for me with pressure of general life and a poorly Dad. And you know what…. i finally feel like that ok. This has taken until today where i fell out with my mum for bringing mouldy cups down from my room. Now i know that is pretty gross. And i am not proud that at 47 this has had to happen and i know i am not a teenager, but ……. but! I have known full well for some time that i am struggling. I talk openly about that. I have been to and from the doctors, infact A and E to be fair. Only recently after experiencing a stress peak with racing heart rates of up to 150 upon waking. Inability to drink any caffeine. This was 2 months ago……. today……. why am i not coping? I am not proud of this and i am actually really embarrassed to write it but yer there were cups and they had mould. So guess what…. i was made to feel like i was causing a health issue for my child. They haven’t been there forever. A few days, it’s been hot so hence the rapid growth. But….. it happens. I had a sunday and monday off work so that i could enjoy my birthday (which i still cooked for others). So having had a couple of days off, this week is now a 5 day week which is a lot for me. Yes i kept forgetting to bring them down but in the rat race of trying to get through i forgot. I forget a lot of things. I forget where i put my keys as soon as soon as i put them down. I forget where i’ve put my phone as soon as i remember i need it. I forget. I forget a lot of things. I run out of time. I am manic, call me ADHD, call me getting old, call me what ever you like. It’s a fact that this is how i run.
Guess what you don’t have to like me, infact you don’t have to talk to me see me or even think about me. So why, does it annoy people so much. Just me being me. Now that hurts. I don’t need to be liked but it’s a burning desire for me to acheive being someone that is accepted. I’m nice to people. I can’t help it it’s just who i am….. but recently i have lost myself. I am angry. I am hurt and angry all at the same time. for multiple reasons. I don’t know what will happen when i start the day. I have become a monster! I will literally cut people out for looking at me the wrong way. I have “the rage”…. people should take a wide birth because. i don’t care what i say. I literally give them 3 strikes unmeaningly. As soon as my blood boils over i do not even recognise myself. I am liking people less and less and less. However……… this is something that needed to happen.I have been a doormat for too long.
So watch and wait in anticipation for some of the real talk. the raw. The uncapped rage of a 40 something woman navigating life with no filter….
the start of the journey. The start of the stories. I have many a book in there. Horrors, thrillers, true crime (jokes) childrens stories and real life journeys about menopausing and adoption and trying to do those things bit at the same time.
L xx
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